In our fast-paced world, many of us turn to social media, TV, or comfort food to unwind. But how often are these moments of ‘relief’ actually helpful? When does relaxation slip into avoidance? This question hit home when my daughter asked me how much time spent on Instagram was okay. It’s a valid question. Social media itself isn’t inherently bad, but how do we know when it’s helpful versus harmful?

We all need breaks to decompress, and for some, scrolling on Instagram can be fun—laughing at cat videos or catching up on friends’ vacations. If you feel relaxed and uplifted afterward, that’s self-care. But if you find yourself mindlessly scrolling for hours, feeling drained or guilty after, that’s not self-care—it’s self-comfort.

Think about that moment when you reach for your phone to ‘check one quick thing’–suddenly, an hour has passed, and you feel mentally drained. Or when a single glass of wine turns into three after a hard day. These are small decisions that can snowball, leaving us feeling worse, not better.

Understanding the difference between self-care and self-comfort is crucial because it helps us make more intentional choices. While self-comfort provides immediate relief, it often fails to address the root causes of stress and can even lead to habits that undermine our well-being. In contrast, self-care involves making conscious decisions that support our long-term physical, mental, and emotional health.

We often talk about the importance of self-care, but sometimes we confuse it with self-comfort. It’s a subtle yet crucial distinction. Here’s how I explained it to my daughter:

 

What’s the difference between self-comfort and self-care?

Self-comfort is a form of avoidance. It’s what we do to distract ourselves from uncomfortable emotions or situations. Maybe you’re avoiding studying for an exam or applying for that new job, so you reach for your phone and start scrolling. It can become an automatic coping mechanism.

 

 

Research has shown that prolonged exposure to social media can lead to increased anxiety and mental fatigue, especially if it’s used as a way to avoid underlying stressors 

Self-comfort isn’t limited to social media. It’s that extra glass of wine, binge-watching Netflix, or keeping busy to avoid confronting your feelings. Research has shown that avoidant behavior leads to negative effects on our mental well-being. 

Self-care involves intentional actions that improve your well-being, whether physical, mental, or emotional. It might not always feel easy or enjoyable in the moment—like choosing salad over a burger or choosing sleep over watching another episode of The Bear—but the key is how you feel afterward. Genuine self-care leaves you feeling replenished, cared for, and stronger.

 

 

How to tell if what I’m doing is self-comfort or self-care?

Ask yourself, “How do I feel after doing this?” If the answer is negative, it might be time to reflect. Are you avoiding a difficult decision, a looming task, or an uncomfortable emotion? Asking yourself if you’re avoiding something can help you choose self-care over temporary comfort.

 

When productivity masks avoidance

Telling the difference between self-comfort and self-care can sometimes be tricky. Staying busy can feel rewarding at first, but it often serves as a way to avoid uncomfortable emotions. Crossing tasks off your to-do list may give you a slight productivity dopamine hit, but if you’re doing it to sidestep something deeper, it’s just another form of self-comfort. 

When you’re unsure how to choose self-care over self-comfort, try this simple exercise:

A simple grounding exercise for self-care

You can try this anywhere—in your office, in the car, or even in the bathroom:

1. Place your hand on your heart or wherever you feel discomfort—your chest, throat, or stomach. 
2. Take a deep breath and slowly exhale.
3. Notice any changes in your heart or in the part of your body you’re holding.

This small act of self-compassion helps you turn toward your uncomfortable emotions signaling to your body that you’re capable of handling the discomfort. Try inhabiting this space for just a minute. Afterward, if you still want that cup of ice cream for self-comfort, that’s okay— you’re making the choice intentionally.  If you instead decide to take a walk or journal about uncomfortable emotions, you’re choosing self-care.

 

 

Why do we tend to choose self-comfort over self-care?

Because self-comfort is easier—it allows us to avoid difficult emotions like sadness or grief. Facing those emotions is hard, and avoidance feels like a quicker escape.  

When my daughter was diagnosed with a rare disease at age eight, I dove into research mode, thinking it would protect me from the flood of grief. But avoiding my emotions took a toll–stress, insomnia, and headaches. My pursuit of doing something ‘useful’ was just another form of avoidance.

This aligns with research on avoidance behaviors and their negative impacts on stress regulation and physical health. Eventually, through coaching and therapy, I learned to acknowledge my grief and process my difficult emotions. Carving out the time to feel my emotions was the best way for me to care for myself. 

 

The truth about feeling difficult emotions

I had feared that fully experiencing the emotions of grief and loss would plunge me into an abyss of irrevocable sadness. Ironically, it wasn’t the emotions themselves that led me into a dark place—it was my avoidance of them. Allowing myself to confront and feel those difficult emotions was the only way out of that abyss.

 

Why choosing self-care matters

This reflection started with a simple question from my daughter: ‘How much time is okay to spend on social media?’ Her question reminded me that choosing  true self-care isn’t always easy or obvious. It takes intention and commitment, but every time you choose self-care brings you a step closer to a life filled with resilience and peace.  

This article was published on Psychology Today. Here is the link to view on Psychology Today’s website.

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