A Mom’s Struggle to Move Past Comparison

When my daughter was diagnosed with a rare disease in the fourth grade, she had to miss months of school, and it was one of the hardest times our family ever faced. But the challenges didn’t stop when she returned. Getting back into the rhythm of school, lacrosse, and swim team turned out to be even tougher in unexpected ways.

As a mom, it was heartbreaking to watch other kids running around carefree, playing lacrosse and doing all the activities my daughter once loved, while she had to sit on the sidelines. While her friends were out laughing and playing, we were navigating doctors’ appointments, worrying about her health, and living in a completely different reality. We missed birthday parties, school events, but most of all, we felt isolated—like we were missing out on the joyful moments of life. That’s when the dreaded comparison game kicked in—and let me tell you, it feels terrible.

How Envy Can Be a Learning Tool to Move Past Comparison

It was incredibly hard to watch her friends and their families move on, while we were stuck in survival mode.  I found myself constantly measuring our life against others, and it was always the same: we came up short. Life felt less fulfilling, less fun, and less connected.

So, how do we stop comparing? How do we break free from this mindset that only adds more pain to our lives?

Logically, I know that everyone’s life is different. I know that what we see on the outside is never the full picture. But even knowing that, it’s hard to shake off the feelings of envy.

Over time, though, I’ve learned a few ways to break free of the comparison game.

 

1. Don’t Shame Yourself for Feeling Jealous

Grieving What Was Lost

Personally, I faced heartbreak when my daughter could no longer play competitive lacrosse and had to navigate constant health concerns. Once I recognized that my feelings were rooted in grieving what we had lost, I allowed myself to truly feel that loss. By giving myself permission to grieve, I loosened the tight grip I had on the life I once envisioned. This acknowledgement created space for me to move forward. When I embraced my feelings of envy without judgment, I began to understand them and my need to mourn our past. This process empowered me to move past comparison and feelings of inadequacy.

Moving Past Comparison is a Process and Practice

Do those feelings of comparison ever resurface? Absolutely. Just recently, some of my daughter’s former lacrosse teammates shared their college acceptances to Division 1 schools on social media. A part of me thought, “That could’ve been Nell.” However, I chose to step back, acknowledge that this isn’t our reality anymore, and genuinely feel happy for those girls. That moment felt like a significant victory for me.

In this journey, it’s essential to remember that moving past comparison is an ongoing process and practice. Allowing ourselves to feel, reflect, and grow is what ultimately leads to healing.

 

 

2. Recognize What You Want

Sometimes, jealousy isn’t just about what we’ve lost; it can also reveal what we feel is missing in our own lives. That’s useful intel – data.  For instance, if you experience a twinge of jealousy when your best friend gets married, it might indicate that you desire a close, meaningful relationship too. This insight can motivate you to take action toward fulfilling that need.

When I was single, I created a list of the qualities I wanted in a partner and remained open to the possibility of meeting someone who embodied those traits. This actually worked! After making the list, I tucked it away, and eventually, I met the man who would become my husband. Years later, I stumbled upon that list and realized he checked every box—and then some. Intention matters.

By identifying what you want, you can take steps to bring those desires into your reality.

 

3. Rewrite Your Own Story to Break Free of the Comparison Game

 

The key to winning the comparison game is becoming the author of your own story. You create your narrative. Ask yourself: Are you going to stand on the sidelines, feeling envious of what others have? Or will you use those feelings as a guide—either to grieve what you’ve lost or to set new goals for what you want to create in your life?

 

Practical Steps Forward to Move Past Comparison

 

You have the power to choose your own adventure. Will you let the comparison game drag you down, or will you leverage it to become the hero of your story? When that familiar feeling of jealousy comes up again, pause and ask yourself why? Get curious. See where that takes you.

When you take control of your own narrative, you empower yourself to break free from limitations and reshape your future. 

Let me know if any of the above resonates with you. Thanks for reading.

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